Feeling smaller than reality, but larger than life

Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try and convince yourself that 'hey, shit's going to be just tip top', you just feel even worse than you did to begin with, because not only are you depressed, but you're also fucking delusional?
I've been stuck in this same spot for about a month now and my progress fluctuates. Only when the mind mines blow up, triggered by a number, a show, a food, a smell, a shirt or a person, is when I succumb to my own thoughts and unanswered questions.
Limbo isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's a place where you are and then you aren't. A place where you're angry and then you're sad. Or, you're not really even angry, you're just sad, but anger is easier dealt with. So you're angry... or you're sad? Am I angry or sad? Well, what am I?!
Imagine having something branded in your brain; micro-chipped and programmed to taunt emotions. Tattooed on my mind and I hate it.

The classic Heart Vs. Mind debacle. Intuitive, wild and free... or tame, rational and logical? The way to live, or the way to want to live?


Hi, I'm Ashleigh and I'm looking for a happy medium. Anyone?


I hate that I'm spending precious time pondering on the what if's of the past and future. I hate that time is being spent and I don't even know if the feeling's mutual. I hate that my pride is dictating me. *Loud screams of frustration, pillow punching and hateful thoughts about cats*

Resolved to hardening the fuck up, eating a tub of Ben and Jerry's triple caramel fudge and sending a god forsaken 7 word text message.

Hey ****, How have you been?

And although those seven, straightforward, shallow words don't sum up what I really want to say, It's easier than the truth.
Hey, ****, How have you been? I actually really miss you, but I'm not so sure you feel the same way. Have you been thinking about me at all? I know you said we would be friends, and that you hoped something would eventuate in the future, but I'm still confused. Where did that leave me? Was that the whole truth and nothing but the truth? What I'm really trying to say is, you were the best and now it's gone.
But hey, have a good day.

Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.

Fate, you have a funny way of working your magic. Maybe wave that wand a little more fervently and send some luck my way... or some other twisted way of putting order back in the world.


I guess this means I'm back. Writing really does soothe the soul.

-A-

Feathers for safekeeping.

Inception

Some shit that out-lives time

There is no god who can hear you,
just a sky full of stars.


The same stars you will be wishing on.

So freakin' fly, bitches.

I confused your arrogance for passion. I retract my statement.
Have an opinion, but don't disregard everyone else's. What's okay for one, is okay for all.

A thing I like to call equality.

You're no exception.
-A-

circa ninteen sixty

"I'm better than you", she declared, with her heart in her hand. Her ice cold skin remained unaffected by the warmth of the sun despite her lonely hours isolated outside. She stood amongst the statues, her many 'admirers' as she had coined.

A teacher, a preacher to the 'hopeless', that was, everyone.

"No", the smallest statue, once set in stone, now with movement, now with a voice, stammered.

To be continued...

Bright eyed, wide eyed, Heartless believer.

It's like, preaching to the deaf. A message of love? A message of hope? It doesn't really matter. They will still sit there, blank gaze, empty expressions masking their faces.
It's like art for the blind. The vivacious colors of burnt orange and velvet red splashing a blank canvas. In their eyes, it's an untold story. It's an unknown story.

They can't hear, but they can see. They can't see, but they can touch. They can feel.

Bright eyed, ignorant child, take what you know, what you see, what you feel. Take it, embrace it. Don't let misfortune set you back.
Become inspired by the beauty of everyday.
Learn to love... And learn from loves forgotten.

Don't exist.
Live, woman!

-A-

for lack of a better name

The things I know.

1. Despite what people say, I tend to do the opposite.
2. I drink too much coffee.
3. I use my phone too much... and become sometimes anti-social.
4. I work a lot. And then usually whinge about it to other people.
5. Although I know the outcome, I'll still give it a shot... even if it means hurting myself.
6. I let people walk all over me.
7. I cry often and laugh always.
8. It takes a lot to make me angry.
9. People may not know it, but the things they say inspire me.
10. I think too much.
11. I'm a stress head.
12. I'm a hopeless romantic.
13. I prefer odd numbers.
14. I have no regrets.
15. I have very big dreams.
16. I only have time for people who have time for me.
17. I argue. A LOT.

Oh, and here's one last thing...
18. I know I am NOT an idiot. I know what I deserve.

Thank you, for inspiring me beyond belief, even if you don't know it.

Wake up, girl! Who are you kidding?!

-A-

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

tears are falling

little doe

Here’s to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing that you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.

Because the people who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.‏

-A-

Insight; say it with me... I AM FREE

Take one's adversity
Learn from their misfortune
Learn from their pain
Believe in something
Believe in yourself
Turn adversity into ambition
Now blossom into wealth

-A-

Things are peachy. Have another?

-A-

A first name. A last question. No.

It scares me that we'll never meet again.

Take a chance.

Lost it.

Fate?

-A-

Training the underdog

-A-

Same difference; Saturday edition.

Here's some more of my internal conflict and nonsense bullshit. Fate, predestination, serendipity... call it what you like, I believe in it. BUT, my clause is this... If you WANT something to happen, you should still have the ability to take it into your own hands, change it, manipulate it etc.
But, is it "fate" whether or not you choose to take it into your own hands? I do believe that everything happens for a reason... but there's a part of me that believes that it's fates "will", if you like, which decides the outcome. Regardless of whether or not you try harder... I'm trying to make this easier for people to understand, without it sounding too much like it's just being spat out of my brain... Okay, re-group. Is it fate whether or not you choose to take matters into your own hands? This isn't making any sense.

Damn you, internal deliberations!

-A-

Vegemite macaroons

After watching the Disney movie "Tangled", I have realised that i have been lying to myself. We all try to defy stereotypes, stand out, be independent and blah, blah, blah. But, for me, deep down... I would really like to find my prince charming. Other than that... I don't want a happily ever after.

I just want a happily-now.

-A-

Ground zero.

Life's just one big disaster.

Get messy, bitches.

-A-

Ape

Paris Wells - Lets Get It Started (Heavy Grain) from Andrew Wilson on Vimeo.

Your head's lost in the place where the sun don't shine.

Right about now, you have blurred the boundaries between arrogance and perfection. But I can see it clearly... To compromise friendship for reputation does not make you "above" anyone else, it makes me feel sorry for you. I used to envy you all, but now I know the pressures you put on each other. To look good, fit a stereotype, be absolutely perfect. If not, resulting in rejection.

I might not be perfect or cool, but at least I know where my head is.
And it's not up my ass.

-A-